The Taxicab Theory
It’s not fate- his light was on.
Disclaimer: This is obviously a very heterosexual perspective on the topic but could be applied to queer relationships as well- note that going into this essay, please and thank you.
After a few years of avoiding the dating scene, I finally decided to give it another go. This time, the traditional route of finding a future partner seemed more appealing than the digital alternative. Well, my back is absolutely broken from bending over this enormous haystack looking for that goddamn needle and it’s only been about a month.
Notice how I didn’t say I was in the modern dating scene. For reasons I don’t have time to explain, I have limited my “doom-swiping” as I refer to it. Swiping through matches in my free time has only caused me a myriad of issues. There have been things I have lost to it including but not limited to: time, energy, hope and self-worth.
Last Friday, my roommate and I decided to go out and play darts at a local bar- traditional. It’s been all too easy for us to give up on the idea of dating. As hopeless romantics, we prefer our men literary- and by that I mean fictional, not well-read though that is also something idyllic. All the well-read men seem to be taken or in desperate need of therapy. Broad brush strokes- I know. If you happen to know of a well-read and emotionally intelligent man in Chicago interested in an Italian woman that’s not only stunning in her twisted humor but also her looks, ring my line.
We had an amazing night and met several men who we exchanged numbers with. This would not have happened if we stayed couped up on the couch watching How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days for the twentieth time while scrolling Hinge, Bumble, Tinder- you get the point.
My Substack has been filled with posts on either end of the dating spectrum: tips on dating or tips on avoiding it. Even on social media (my mortal enemy), the internet seems to be divided. On one side, women have encouraged their viewership to keep going out- do the damn thing! On the other: focus on yourself so hard that you forget romance is on your priority list, in fact, shove it to the bottom or off a cliff. I’ve had close friends in my life on both sides of the issue- and yes, it’s an issue.
I admire both perspectives.
I wish I had the energy to scroll endlessly through men like purses in a catalogue. It took me a long time to accept the harsh reality that this kind of labor has felt extremely dehumanizing and has led to an increase in my perfectionist tendencies. One wrong photo or poorly answered question and my thumb was aiming left. This is not to say that everyone who uses online dating apps has my mindset, and nor should they. Still, I can’t help but feel as though it’s become a numbing ritual for the blazingly obvious under-socialization battle that our generation is struggling with.
Similarly, I’ve tried to self-improve and self-center. For two and a half years I only entertained situations that found me naturally (i.e. parties and run-ins). This led to a false sense of nothingness. There were nights I spent inside because I felt partying didn’t further the agenda I had set for myself. Many opportunities to meet people were missed because of a rigid and unrealistic goal mindset. Not to mention that when a potential love-interest did approach me, all previous priorities were thrown out the window because the idea of ‘what is meant for you will find you’ is actually a lot more dangerous than your influencers will have you believe.
Insert the taxicab theory.
The taxicab theory was popularized on the hit HBO series Sex and the City by a not-so-popular (at the time) character named Miranda. In this clip, Miranda, a puritan for logic, had denied the idea that fate has anything to do with her friend Charlotte’s potential future relationship. She instead poses the idea that when men are ready to settle down, their taxicab light turns on. The first woman they ‘pickup’ is likely to be the one. In the meantime, while their cab light is not on, men will pick up and drop off whomever they please or simply stay out of commission. The ever-romantic Charlotte’s reaction is expected: that Miranda’s theory has taken love completely out of the situation and turned dating into a heartless strategy rather than a compatibility game. Miranda encourages the theory still and notes that most women are ‘born with their light on’, whereas men simply turn it on and off.
This scene has of course caused thousands of reaction videos, Substack posts, and articles. Even after decades, women still cannot wrap their heads around it. Is it true? Would men even admit to it if it was? Are there any criteria for the first woman you pick up when the cab light is on- or is it truly random? Most of all: how do we cope with the potential reality that this is how men date?
The first and most glaring issue with this theory is that it is a broad stroke upon the male population. Not only is it far-reaching, but it is really harmful for the men who are, at present, committed. Some women have shared concerns about the intentions of the beginning of their relationships with their current partners. While this mass-girlfriend-hysteria seems a bit overboard, I can’t help but empathize with these women even though I am certainly not in a relationship.
Men- if you are having a hard time understanding how insecure this may make a woman feel, just think about all of the crazy men out there claiming women are gold diggers. It would be difficult to trust dating if the men surrounding you are enforcing stereotypes onto your preferred partners, wouldn’t it?
Modern and traditional dating are equally tough and anxiety inducing. It can be hard to find time for doom-swiping or attending in-person social events. Not to mention, how do you know when someone’s light is on? How do you trust it?
On dating apps, there is often a feeling of a false-positive for those looking for long-term relationships. While some men are honest about wanting something casual or short-term, there are always outliers who do just that-lie. It’s the equivalent to getting into a taxicab that had its cab light on, but you didn’t realize it’s an Uber Share and neither you, nor the other passenger knew there was going to be an additional stop… awkward.
In person, deception theoretically should be more difficult, but we all know a male manipulator or two who has caught us off guard even if for a moment, or potentially months- Jake, I still resent you.
The past month of dating has been an absolute cluster fuck, and the internet’s advice, or refusal to entertain, dating has left me somewhat frozen. Should I retreat back into isolation and pretend taxis don’t exist? Say fuck the cab light and walk away? Is there any way to carve out time in my day to doom-swipe without feeling apathetic and hopeless?
The solution may just be the problem itself.
Here is where you start playing Big Yellow Taxi- I prefer the Counting Crows cover ft. Vanessa Carlton- apologies, Joni Mitchell.
Miranda has a point. Many women are born with their cab lights on and it’s not their fault. Society has raised us to believe that we will find the needle in the haystack and our back spasm will be worth it. After we invite many insane, unhinged and under-therapized men into our taxicabs, there will be a good one yet to come…right?
Ladies, let’s work smarter not harder. There is a way to balance these worlds between self and romantic connection. It’s just going to take a little more cautious effort than one may be used to.
One, get off your phones. While there is a lot of opportunity to meet people you wouldn’t usually, it’s hard to stay connected and interested. And guess what? Most other people who are going out also want to go out! They want to meet new people and have fun experiences that don’t require a phone to facilitate a discussion. Being out at places you enjoy will also attract people who are more alike to you then dissimilar. Yet another perk of ditching the apps when you can.
If going out doesn’t suit you, or you don’t have as much time as you used to, limit the amount of time you spend “doom-swiping”. Only let yourself swipe for 10 or 15 minutes that you wouldn’t miss otherwise. This way you don’t feel like you’ve wasted time, but you also haven’t done nothing-if that matters to you.
Approach people you are interested in. While it’s natural (ingrained) to think of a man being the first to make a move, there are a lot of social aspects to dating that never existed before, and this is a good thing. Men are more nervous to make a wrong move than ever before. This still frustrates me a tad, but in all honesty, should weed out assholes from gentlemen. I say should because there are four types of men: approaches first without caution or care (asshole), approaches first with caution and care (gentlemen), does not approach first (secretly an asshole), and lastly does not approach first (shy gentlemen). It is hard to tell who is who unless it’s the first, and most obvious, two. If neither of the first two is happening, you got to pull the trigger and make the first move so that the latter two expose themselves accordingly.
Be honest about your intentions. Maybe your cab light is on, maybe it isn’t. Maybe you need a joyride or just a good chat. Enjoy the moment but don’t be afraid to ask what someone is looking for.
Why?
If you’ve gotten to the point in this then you know, men are not taxicabs. While Miranda’s theory appears airtight, it’s not well rounded. It’s a sliver of men, an outlier and a lie. Men who turn their cab light on may be doing exactly as I previously suggested: know what you want and go seek it out. The more aligned you are with what you want, the easier it becomes to say no to what you don’t want and yes to what you do. Then, all of the sudden, less meaningless passengers in your taxi. If you are lucky enough, the man you are looking for just may be the next person to hop in your cab after years of letting men in who are sub-par to your wishes and desires.
Now look who’s playing into the taxicab theory! Go get em’, ladies.
All my love,
Corinna